Tim Hortons Sucks, and You Know It!

The internet tubes are abuzz with news that Tim Hortons and Burger King are merging.

Americans are angry that another large multi-national is not paying their fair share of taxes, while Canadians are flipping out that their precious national coffee slinger is going to be taken over by Americans.

People easily forget that Timmy's was taken over by Wendy's back in 1995, and it didn't cause the brand to disappear.

If you really think that buying Tim Hortons or Molson Canadian beer makes you a good Canadian, then you are a marketer's wet dream. Supporting Timmy's is no more or less Canadian than buying coffee from a local cafe, or a gas station.

To quote BD Gallof:

Acting like it is some sort of national pride to eat processed fried dough and badly roasted, but drinkable, coffee beans is just plain silly.

I really don't understand why people feel the need to tie their nationality to a large corporation, especially one that has been acting more and more American the past decade.

While Timmy's used to be cool, and a box of fresh donuts would make the whole office happy, the franchise is no longer worth supporting. Those people mad about this deal have their priorities in the wrong place, and need to wake up to some basic truths.


Timmy's hires boatloads of Temporary Foreign Workers. 

Once upon a time, Tim Hortons used to air ads proclaiming that working at Timmy's was a great way to get started on a solid career, and even promoted their Scholarship Program. Timmy's was a place you could get a half-decent job, while working towards something better.

Realizing that paying workers decent wages stops the executives from buying a new Mercedes Benz each Thursday, Timmy's took to, instead, hiring piles of Temporary Foreign Workers.

Despite the fact that there are thousands of Canadians who could use a decent job, Timmy's would rather hire indentured servants from other countries, and pay them cheaper wages than actual Canadian citizens would be entitled to receive.

Timmy's claims to be a Canadian company, yet hires non-Canadians to fill jobs that Canadians could easily do. Yup. 

Tim Hortons donuts are not at all FRESH

Once upon a time, Tim Hortons actually baked the donuts, from scratch, in the individual stores.
Realizing that they could make more money by just having the stores warm up frozen dough, and thus requiring even less-skilled staff on hand, Tims forced franchises to switch, with some of them filing, and then losing a lawsuit.

At the heart of the case, which began in 2008, is what the judge describes as the “Always Fresh Conversion,” a shift from fresh baking in each store to a system of industrial par baking and flash freezing at a centralized plant in Brantford, Ont., followed by reheating in specially designed ovens.

Hmm, reheating dough? This sounds an awful lot like Pillsbury products.

The last few times I've seen Timmy's in the office, there was more of a collective 'meh'. Donuts used to be OMGZ EXCITMENT!!!!11111, but it has been replaced by, "Ok, cool, a free snack... I guess".

Their Timbits are laced with Crack Cocaine

OK, maybe not, but they are far too addicting. Any time somebody brings a box of them to the office, or some other party, I end up eating far more of them than I should. I don't find them particular awesome, and they seem far too bland for the calories they contain, but I seem to end up scarfing down a half-dozen before I realize what I've done with my life.

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So, what is Canadian about heavily-processed, reheated food and hiring Temporary Foreign Workers? Tim Hortons has been acting more and more American each year, and is about as Canadian as Basketball now is.

If you want to be a good Canadian, and support Canadian businessess, go to your local coffee cafe. Not only do you support the hiring of Canadian workers, but you'll actually keep the money in your community, and probably get better food out of the deal.

Vancouver's Food Truck Follies

One of the recent trends in Vancouver has been the explosion of Food Trucks on the streets.

While other major cities in North America have an abundance of these mobile kitchens, it wasn't until 2010 that Vancouver had its first. Now, we have over 100.

To understand why it is such a big deal, you have to know that Vancouver has always been behind the times and quite strict about food safety for mobile food sellers.

I remember how big of a deal it was when the first street hot dog vendors (Mr. Tube Steak!!!!!) were allowed to start operating about 20-odd years ago. While other big cities had plenty of these street meat hawkers, Vancouver didn't start catching up until my early teens. It's no surprise that we didn't get food trucks until just a few years ago.

Unfortunately, the food truck industry in Vancouver has been, to my experience, one GIANT disappointment.

Here is what I expect from a mobile food seller: Fast and cheap

Here is what Vancouver Food Trucks (VFTs) are generally not: Fast and cheap

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One reason I'd want to go to a VFT is to get a quick meal to go. If I had the time, I'd go to a cafe or restaurant, so going to a street vendor is for time-saving purposes.

VFTs fail largely in this regard, with 7-15 minute waits not uncommon. Fresh food does take time to prepare, but many VFTs don't seem to have certain staples prepared beforehand, and efficiency is lacking.

VFTs have nowhere to sit, and you are often left there standing in the baking hot sun with nothing to do.

Prices at the typical VFT also mirror that of most small cafes and some restaurants, which is to say it is not cheap. $10-15 for a small meal is the norm with many VFTs, and the quantity of food doesn't make up for it. (Although that isn't as much of a concern to me these days). 

I'm not sure the quality of food makes up for the prices, either. I've had one fish & chips that was so oily that I had to throw it up an hour later, I've tried the famous "Japadog" (overrated, but still tasty), and found most dishes to be pretty much of average quick-food quality.

I understand every business has costs to cover, and Vancouver's licenses aren't cheap, but the food trucks don't have the brick-and-mortar costs that a typical restaurant has, nor do they need to hire serving staff. VFTs should be able to offer lower prices due to lower overhead, but it doesn't happen.

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(c) The Vancouver Sun

From anecdotal internet talk and other things I've read, it seems that other cities with food trucks have it better, and have it right.

Honestly, downtown consumers are better off going to any of the numerous food courts at the malls here. You get air conditioning and protection from the elements, you don't have to wait as long for the food, and the prices are a bit lower. The quality is about the same, too.

Mobile food trucks are a great concept, and seem to be popular, for the time being, but I still fail to understand how they will continue to be successful if they cannot offer any time or money savings from the thousands of other options we have in this city.

Canada Day Thoughts: USA v. Canada

For Canada Day, why don't I write about something about ... Americans! (?)
 
My wife and I took a nice little mini-vacation to Canada's Vancouver, aka Seattle, and I got to observe Americans in their natural habitat.

While I talk to many Americans online every day, they are usually like-minded people, or those I deal with in my line of work. I don't often interact with the 'average' American, so these trips are always a little experience.

While Canada and the USA are similar in many ways, there is always a difference once you cross the border, and it's not just the air quality.

(many sweeping Generalizations, based on purely personal experience, abound!)

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SECURITY

This does not make me feel safe...

The American border guards are always surly and look at me as if I'm a terrorist, but that's their job. Ordinary Americans seem much more anal about perceived threats than they should be.

One recent example is us going into Safeco Field (a beautiful place) for a Mariners game. Not only did we have to empty our pockets, but we had to go through some kind of scanner. I'm used to a minor security checkpoint at Rogers Arena (mainly for alcohol), but this was a bit of overkill for a frickin' baseball game.

Airport security, security guards, police presence... you see a lot more of this south of the border than you do up here.

The funny thing is that this heightened security makes me feel more unsafe, more than anything else. The most law enforcement officers, security guards, and security checks I see, the more I'm subconsciously thinking "Is this place dangerous"?

FOOD

Variety:

I know Americans love their big, crappy chains, but Seattle seems to be a great place for restaurants.

Vancouver is often pointed-to, or wants to be, as a world-class city for food, but it lacks one major thing: VARIETY.

Vancouver has plenty of great restaurants, but if you want Central European, Eastern European, African, Southern, Cajun, Central American, South American, or Mexican cuisine, you are out of luck.

Almost every month, you can see a few new Japanese or Chinese restaurants open up in the Greater Vancouver region. While I enjoy both of these cuisines, the market must be saturated like 1-ply toilet paper after a single wipe. Vancouver also has enough "West Coast" restaurants to service the entire population of Canada.

Portion Sizes:

Somehow, we forgot that American restaurants serve about 3,500 calories worth of food on the average plate. I am a BIG eater, and thrice could not finish a good chunk of the food I ordered.

This might seem like a generalization, but it's happened on every trip to the US that I've been on. Hawaii was the one place that didn't seem hellbent on stuffing my stomach to the hilt, although just about every meal we had there was still very filling. 

Note to self: Order appetizers, or split a dish with the wife. I feel bad wasting so much food, and I can't understand how people can eat so damn much! Even the small restaurants give you massive portions.

PEOPLE

On an individual level, most Americans are quite friendly and easy to talk to. Even in more conservative areas (Phoenix/Scottsdale, San Leandro, Castro Valley), I've rarely had unpleasant interactions with the average person. In fact, I've tended to have more random conversations with American strangers than I have with Canadian strangers.

That said, Americans are hyper-competitive people, and seem to react quite strongly when competing for a resource(s), driving, involved in sporting events, or are discussing politics and/or religion.

American drivers are especially aggressive, and tailed my ass more than I'd ever allow my wife to. I even missed an exit because other drivers would speed up and cut me off. I guess that's the 'reward' for using my turn signal, something American drivers rarely seem to do. Ugh.

(Maui, being an obvious exception, is so laid back and slow...)

It's a weird Jekyll-Hyde thing, as I do find Americans can either be really nice, or really angry, yet not as much in the middle as the average Canadian I interact with.

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So, while I certainly enjoy my experiences in the USA with American people, I am certainly glad to be home in Canada Day to celebrate the better of the two countries ;)

Thursday Thoughts: More Stupid Ads!

I love to grouse about advertising, as it seems to be a topic of interest to me, for some strange reason.

I'm pretty good about ignoring any ads on websites I visit. As I've been using the internet tubes since the text-only days, I got used to filtering out any nonsense content and just reading what I want to read.

That said, there are some ads that cross the threshold and need to be called out.

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OMG BEWBS!! 

Evony, a crappy online 'freemium' strategy game, is notorious for its overtly sexual ads. How can you get people to play a generic game? MORE BOOBS!!

As you can see, the first ad was pretty generic. You have a guy in armor in an ad for a fantasy game. Standard stuff. On the second and third ones, you start getting into pretty woman.

After that? They stopped having a shred of shame. Just show some ample cleavage, and watch the idiots slither over to a game in which you don't see a single breast.

"You will never see these bombs, my lord"!

Yes, the ad makes it seem like you are playing some naughty adult game where discretion is required. Better close the curtains and turn off your phone!

Evony is the biggest culprit, but not the only one. My Facebook sidebar will often have one or two of these overly sexualized ads. I do like ample bosoms, but it has to be in the right context. If you are simply showing off breasts for a standard game, you don't even deserve the time of day. 

Seriously, I'm surprised I haven't seen full-on hardcore porn with the caption "Make your fantasies come to life!". C'mon, Evony, you might as well go all the way!

Note the grammar error on the last sentence.

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JAPANESE SEIZURE ROBOTS! 

Despite the fact that this isn't 1997, some advertisers still think that blinking pictures are 'in' and work as effective advertising.

 For your safety, I did not link to one of the seizure-inducing pictures, but this particular ad pops up almost every time I play Lexulous on Facebook.

Yes, the ads are designed to catch your attention, but they are so damn annoying that I NEVER want to support any company who feels the need to put flashing lights in my face.

I guess these ads must work on some gullible people, since they are designed to look like an actual computer scan, and newer users might be fooled. Still, whomever designed this particular advertisement should be spanked with a disco ball.

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WHERE IS THAT F*!&KING SOUND COMING FROM?!

Probably the most insidious ads that have popped up in recent months are the auto-sound ads. ESPN.com was the first place I encountered them (or their auto-play videos)

When you visit certain pages, a video ad will automatically load up, and you'll start hearing some obnoxious propaganda.

Unlike a typical picture advertisement, this one is very hard to ignore unless you have the sound off. No matter what, the stupid videos just start playing, and they are often very loud.

It's a bit of a hunt, really, to figure out where the hell this mystery sound is coming from. If you have multiple tabs open, then you need to find out WHICH tab it's coming from, and where on the page the ad is.

Then, you need to figure out how to shut down the ad, pause the ad, or mute the sound. It's especially annoying when it's an article you actually want to read.

Look, advertisers, would you like me to show up at your house and start blaring loud music from outside your window? How about I blast an airhorn while you are trying to sleep?

Facebook (yes, that again) seems to be desperate for ad dollars, and will bring these annoying things to its site in 2014. Facebook has been losing some steam over the past 1-2 years, and this could very well help sink the Titanic. If I start hearing these things every time I visit the site, you can bet I'll be logging on a LOT less.

I get that advertisers need to get your attention, but annoying people is not going to get them to warm up to your product. I have never bought something because some idiot jumped right in my face and started yelling at me.

No, quite the opposite, in fact. If I encounter really annoying advertising, I make a mental note to not support that particular product or company.

Tuesday Thoughts: Lego, Sriracha, CNN

Most of us remember the fun of building random things out of LEGO, if not the pain of stepping on one of those indestructible blocks.

One of my old friends used to (and maybe still does) build whole miniature amusement parks out of Lego, including fully working rides, landscapes, and buildings. You were only limited to your imagination and pile of blocks.

While seeing Lego in the toy store or on commercials, what disheartens me is that the 'imagination' part seems to have totally disappeared.

Notice a trend here?

Instead of buying a big bucket of bricks and going wild with them, it seems Lego is all about movie and TV show tie ins and 'build this specific thing' box sets.

In today's age where every young kid seems to have a cell phone, handheld video gaming system, and hours of TV to zonk out to, I can imagine Lego would have a hard time getting the foothold it used to.

So, I can see why Lego would need to attach itself to popular franchises. It just saddens me that Lego seems more about putting together specific things, rather than using your imagination and creativity.

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When, exactly, did Sriracha Hot Sauce become a 'thing'?

If you haven't heard, by now, Sriracha is a popular hot sauce that is easy to spot with its bright green cap and big COCK on the bottle. (At least this specific maker of it)

I've known Sriracha for many years as the usual half-full bottle of hot sauce that you find at just about every Vietnamese Pho restaurant. It's not a new product, and I've never seen it advertised even once. It's something that is usually just kind of 'there'.

Yet, all of a sudden, Sriracha is all over the damn place!

Subway 'restaurants' now offer a Sriracha sub, The Oatmeal (a web comic that is quickly losing steam) writes about it ALL THE DAMN TIME, and there has been a big public kerfuffle over the new sauce factory.

Sriracha Vodka? Why the hell not?

How did Sriracha vault into sudden popularity? Should we blame the Instagram hipsters for this?

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I've often ranted and lamented about how CNN has become irrelevant in the world of news. What used to be a must-watch network quickly deteriorated into total and utter nonsense. The more CNN continues not to focus on ACTUAL NEWS, the less viewers it gets. Hmm...

These two screen captures give you a good idea why CNN has lost its place.

Nike's Hockey Jersey Design Fails

I've never been overly fond of Nike's presence in the hockey marketplace, given the fact that the company's specialties are marketing, basketball, and using slave labour to sell shoes at a 100000% markup.

That said, I've never really felt compelled to speak up until seeing the recent jersey designs for the 2014 Winter Olympics in Sochi.

K.I.S.S. - Keep it simple, stupid!

That's the motto most any designer should follow, especially when it comes to sports uniforms.

The best uniforms in sports? The Yankees, Canadiens, Dodgers, Red Wings... all very simple, elegant designs that use striking colours and a clean look to stand out. They stand the test of time for a reason.

Now, let's look at the awful dreck that Nike has seen fit to produce for these upcoming Olympics.

CZECH REPUBLIC

It's a very American thing to wear American-flag suits, pants, shirts, etc... Given the garish design of the American flag, it's a real eyesore to see something like this.

So, Nike decided that the Czechs should basically wear the frickin flag as their hockey sweaters.

The design on the left isn't as bad, even if it does remind me of the Montreal Canadiens.
The one on the right? Yes, they basically took a flag and sewed a crest and logo on it.

I can also imagine the numbering on the back of that second jersey will look awkward.


RUSSIA

The one on the left looks just fine, but what the hell is with the pile of garbage on the right? Are we going for a cycling team look?

Did Nike not learn from the disasters that were the LA "Burger King" jerseys? Remember the Anaheim cartoon jerseys? Yeah, this is pretty much in that realm of barfiness.


USA! USA! USA!

The least offensive of the four goes to the USA, although you can tell that Dustin Brown is not too thrilled about them.

Yes, the top part of those shirts has FAKE laces. FAKE LACES!! On top of that, you have a bunch of stars.

Does Nike hire teenage girls to design these things? Why not add some sparkles and glitter?

If you simply removed the extra Ed Hardy crap on top, you'd have a uniform that is actually quite good. 


CANADA

These were finally made official, and they might be the absolute worst uniforms Team Canada has ever had to wear.

1. As random commenters have pointed out, these look like the T-Shirts you'd get for free in a 24-pack of Molson Canadian.

You know those really bad replica jerseys you can buy on Ebay for five bucks? I'd take those things over what Nike has come up with.

2. Why does Team Canada need a THIRD jersey for a tournament where they are playing 8-12 games? No other country seems to need a third jersey. I realize this is about money, but shouldn't the IOC or IIHF step in and say "Two is the maximum!"

3. The THIRD version has a weird red armband on the right side (hidden in the one above), and many people have noticed that it looks like an old Nazi armband. Whose clever idea was it to sneak that on there?

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Whoever picked Nike to design these abominations needs to never use their services again. If I were a player on one of these teams, you can bet I'd speak out and say "I'm proud to be on Team X, but not proud to wear these uniforms."

Vancouver Rants: Are Vancouver Women Too Unfriendly?

(This post will seem like "Bitter Male" ranting. So be it. I don't need to worry about the dating scene in Vancouver, but I still have scars.)

Vancouver has a reputation of its citizens being very cold, unfriendly, and shallow. Don't ask me what time it is, you filthy hobo!

I can't say that I'm the warmest person out there, and I'm loathe to talk to strangers, but I've always been an oddball. I wouldn't consider my personality to be the norm of any culture.


Back when I was single (ie. most of my life), I found the online dating scene to be incredibly hard. Even if I sent good messages out, I'd either get ignored, or receive a very brief reply. I'm so very fortunate that I found my wife's profile on Lavalife, after sifting through 100s of uninteresting ones.

It seems that I'm not alone in my personal views on the subject.

Are Vancouver women too picky when it comes to dating?

A new survey from an online dating site has ranked Vancouver women as the pickiest in Canada and the least likely to respond to a man’s message online.

According to AYI.com, Vancouver men have the hardest time getting a date through online dating sites than any other city in Canada.

Montreal women were ranked second and Ottawa came in third.

Now, I have no problem with people being picky about who they choose to spend their time with. I'm extremely picky, my wife is picky, and we picked each other :)

That said, there are two main gripes I had about the online dating scene.

1. Most women's profiles are the exact same. Here's one I stole from a reddit thread.

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Hi there! So um I'm not really too sure what to write here, so I'll come back and write more later. But for now, here goes! I'm an easy going, laid back kinda girl who loves to laugh and share a fun evening out with the girls! Of course, I love to stay in on a rainy day and watch movies in my sweat pants from time to time, too!

I'm a young professional who has a lot on her plate, and am looking for the right guy to top it all off. I love my friends, I love my dog, and family is very important to me. If you're just looking for a booty call or to hook up or whatever, don't bother messaging, I won't respond. Oh yeah, no smokers, either.

I love to travel, do yoga, go hiking (just climbed the Chief!) and to cook, and I also like to keep fit - I'm running my first half marathon in October, so excited!

So if you think you share some of the same interests as me, send me a message and we'll see where it goes!

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 Like 99% of the profiles I encountered, Vancouver women...

• Love to hike (Everybody says this, yet few actually do it)
• Love Yoga (Zzzz....how cliche)
• Love spending time with their family and friends, as if anyone would say, "I don't enjoy spending time with these people!"
• Are all young professionals (Hint: Money and status will be important)
• Love the outdoors, BUT, they also enjoy a lazy night in (Who the hell doesn't?)

 

Typical Vancouver couple

2. Most profiles tell you very little about the person, and do little to differentiate them from the typical Vancouverite. Thank you for saying absolutely nothing.

Looking at the 'profile' above, how in the hell are you supposed to start any sort of communication with somebody so generic? "Uhh, I like stuff, and stuff...yeah..."

If you have an online profile, you have a chance to actually sell yourself and say exactly what you want. Do you want a guy who is a corporate climber? Say so! Do you want to have kids in the future? Do you like to protest pipelines? Is there anything interesting about you?

If you want a blank slate, go to a club or bar.

As an aside, I'm sure most males on these sites will have profiles that are fairly similar, too. Few people really want to throw themselves out there, for fear of looking 'weird'.

I was extremely fortunate that my wife was the exception, and was probably the only woman who said she liked RPG's. Yes, she had a very well-written profile that mentioned actual hobbies and geeky things!

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Here's a common complaint about Vancouver Men, saying we don't know how to approach women or are just lazy, poorly dressed, with no plan in life.

Hmm, I wonder why many men here are scared of pursuing a relationship . If we're to be judged so harshly, and given nasty looks for even trying to strike up a conversation, then why would we even make the effort? For somebody with my low level of self-esteem, it didn't seem worth the effort. 

I've had friends or acquaintances that dated almost exclusively Asian women (the ones here for studying, mainly). Why? These women tended to be much more open to conversation, and even seek out chances to talk and practice their English. 

To paraphrase what one such friend once said to me, "It's not that they (Asian girls) are easy, it's just that White girls never even talk to me!"

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I'm very thankful I don't have to deal with any of the Vancouver-area dating scene, as things certainly haven't changed over the past few years. From this guy's perspective, many women around here certainly do their best to give out the unfriendly, shallow vibes. It's no small wonder that so many people here are the same, generic Yaletown Yuppie types. Be anything else, and you get snubbed. 

Ramblings: Five Things I Don't Understand

Just a simple list of five questions lurking around in my brain ...

1.WHY MUST ALL CLEANING AND HYGIENE PRODUCTS SMELL?

My wife and I have a strong aversion to strong smells; perfumes, colognes, spritzes, etc ... If you wear Axe Douchespray, you won't be allowed in my apartment until you are hosed, fumigated, and whipped.

It irks me, to no end, that so many of these products have to be injected with enough smells to wake the dead. Laundry soaps, body washes, sprays, antiperspirants... they all seem to have very strong smells attached to them. It's amazingly hard to find low-scent/no-scent products, even with 100s of products available.

Fabreze is a notable culprit. When it came out, Fabreze was supposed to be an odour neutraliser, and actually did a pretty decent job of lessening the "Bachelor" cloud in my apartment. Fabreze had a scent, but it wasn't strong.

Now? You are just spraying a crap load of bad perfume smell to cover up another smell...ugh...

Am I really in the vast minority for wanting my stuff not to bloody stink of artificial flowers and lemons? You'd think there would be a lot more of us...


2. WHY DO PEOPLE ENJOY STINKY CHEESES?

My wife, and her family, really love stinky cheeses, especially Stilton.

If you've never had Stilton, it tastes and smells like dairy death. The odour can strip varnish off of furniture, and should be eaten in controlled environments.

It's so bitter and veiny that it might as well be named Montgomery Burns.

I enjoy a strong cheddar, but I'd rather not eat something that tastes like it should be stored in a nuclear waste container. The aftertaste lingers for hours, which each taste bud punishing you for the mistake you just made in eating rotting bacteria.

Strangely, my wife just gives me a nasty glare when I offer her my used gym socks to munch on...


3. DO MOTORCYCLES HAVE A DIFFERENT SPEED LIMIT THAN AUTOMOBILES?

Almost every time I see a motorcyclist riding around the Lower Mainland, especially on the highways, they are going about 30-40 km/h over the speed limit. I've never actually seen a motorcyclist pulled over for speeding.

I get that motorcycles can weave in and out of traffic, given their size and mobility, but is there an unwritten law that allows them to ride that far over the speed limit?


4. WHY DO SOME DOG OWNERS CUT OFF THEIR DOG'S TAIL?

This does not look good.

I don't know if it is just a recent trend, but I've been seeing more and more city dogs with their tails cut off (aka 'docking').

Why does it matter?

Well, dogs communicate with their tails, and the lack of a tail can make other dogs feel as if tail-less dog is more aggressive. Imagine if your lips were cut off, as that is pretty much what happens to these dogs.

Apart from some exceptions (real hunting dogs, or medical reasons), a dog should never have its tail cut off. Not only does it handicap them, but it looks STUPID. If this is being done for aesthetic reasons, it's pretty much having the opposite affect of what the owners want.

Yes, a Doberman with a short stubbly tail is pretty normal these days, but a Border Collie without a tail? It looks terrible.

It's bad enough that the male dogs have their nuts cut off...leave their damn tails alone!


5. WHY DO MEN SUPPORT COMPANIES THAT THINK THEY ARE IDIOTS?

A very common advertising trope is the "Stupid Male". The Stupid Male (usually white, as not to offend any others) is as dumb as a rock, can't follow directions, and must be corrected by the "Smart Bitchy Female".

Somehow, it's become safe to insult males as stupid. If you dare have a "Ditsy Woman", you'd have howls of outrage and sexism.

This commercial is a perfect example. Somehow, the Stupid Male cannot pay a credit card or buy milk.



Why would any guy support a company that thinks the whole gender are a bunch of bumbling idiots? I mean, I have a dirty, dark sense of humour, but nothing about this commercial is even slightly amusing.

Buying a puppy instead of milk? Who in the hell laughs at that?

This trope is lazy, tired, and not funny. There are many idiots in the world, but not simply because of their gender. Why would these women marry these men? Derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp.

AdRants: Not Charmed by Charmin

While most advertising campaigns are forgettable, there are some that are so bad, annoying, or gross that it actively makes me not want to buy their products.

Charmin toilet paper has just such an ad campaign: A family of pooping bears that cares way too much about toilet paper usage. Case in point...

The Charmin ads don't just have these bears using toilet paper, dancing with toilet paper, sleeping on toilet paper, or making love while rolling around in toilet paper. No, the focus of this campaign is the First World Problem that certain toilet paper brands leave bits of paper behind after you wipe. 

Witness Mama Bear inspecting her child's ass for these naughty paper bits, much like Oberbefehlshaber der Kriegsmarine Karl Dönitz inspecting the German U-boats before their launch.  (Why the reference? It's obvious this bear family is German, given their love of poop)

My memory isn't what is once was, but I can't recall my mother ever looking at my anal sphincter to see if my butt crack was free of a paper trail. Yes, this bear family has a special inspection area you have to go through every time you dump a load.

Using cutesy animals in ad campaigns is nothing new, but WHY WOULD BEARS EVER NEED OR USE TOILET PAPER? Would this ad campaign ever fly if real humans were used? Of course not!

Whilst walking down the trails around Tofino, we came across a LOT of bear scat. Not once did we see any used toilet paper bits next to the piles of digested berries and fish.

I'm sorry, but seeing bears with fragments of used toilet paper on their bottoms is disgusting. When I'm eating dinner in front of the TV, I'd rather hear about feminine hygiene products than see this crap (pun intended).

Thus, I make a point not to buy this product, even when on sale. Somebody needs to pay the price for burning these haunting images into my head!

Please, Verizon, Come Back!

Yes, this is the day that I write about wanting a soulless American corporation, with crappy customer service and disdain for its own workers, to come to Canada.


Despite the fact that Canada is one of the most developed nations in the world, we have some of the highest cell phone costs.

Yes, even random African countries get a better rate on their data plans than we do. I pay about $70 for my fairly basic plan, which I had to lock in to for three years in order to get the phone for $0. Ugh.

As their failed "Fair for Canada" propaganda campaign highlighted to Canadians, ROBELLUS (Rogers, Bell, Telus) controls almost the entire Canadian market place. More consumers were alerted to the fact, though this campaign, of just how closed the system is.

Yes, 30+ million Canadians have just three real choices for cell phone coverage. Even these 'boutique' firms like Koodo and Fido are owned by ROBELLUS. Without any real choice (Wind Mobile is about it) of alternatives, we're basically forced to take it up the tailpipe.

It was with some anticipation that we heard of Verizon wanting to come to Canada, prompting ROBELLUS to crap their pants.

Sadly, for lack of a better word, Verizon has decided not to enter the Canadian marketplace.

Verizon’s decision to stay out of Canada deals a stinging blow to the government’s efforts to make the wireless market more competitive and consumer-friendly, say industry experts. 

“Without someone like Verizon, what will end up happening is the Big Three will win,” says Walid Hejazi, a professor at the Rotman School of Management.

The Big Three -- Bell, Rogers and Telus -- have a combined 90 per cent market share. They have spent much of the summer telling consumers through an ad campaign that Verizon’s entry into the wireless market would be “unfair” and cost Canadian jobs.

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I had no real intention of joining up with Verizon (unless they gave me the best rate), but I was hoping they would make an impact. The only way we'll get reasonable rates is if we get some real competition. If Canadians firms can't do it, then let the Yanks in until ROBELLUS is scared straight.

 

Growling: "The Fruit of My Loins"

Although this litte rant is on a topic that doesn't affect me, personally, it's still something that rubs my rhubarb the wrong way.

Today's Topic: Narcissistic men who name their sons after themselves, like John Smith, John Smith Jr, John Smith III, etc.

Yes, I said men, because it rarely happens with women.

Ken Griffey Jr and Sr.

Now, if you belong to a royal/noble family, or were living in the 17th century, I could understand. In modern times, it's just plain vanity.

"What shall I name my son? Hmm, let me see...

Do I let my son forge his own identity, and find his own way in the world?

Naw, I'll just name him after me! That way, whenever they say his name, and add the junior, they'll always think of me ME ME ME!!!"

Yes, this is the "Fruit of My Loins" Syndrome.

These types of men want to establish their legacy, and their kids will forever be their contribution to the world. Their sperm must be celebrated, and their kids must forever be "Their father's son". Ugh.

I'm amazed so many of these kids continue the tradition, or simply don't change their names to something other than their fathers. I would have certainly changed mine, if that was the case.

Women, if your man wants to name their sons after themselves, take a hint and find somebody who isn't so self-absorbed.

What's the Deal with Michael Bublé?

I've never understood how singer Michael Bublé is as popular as he is. It's a bit of a running gag with my wife and I that I can't stand his singing.

From all accounts, the local product is a very funny, likeable guy that knows how to work a crowd. As a part-owner of the Vancouver Giants, he has been a good ambassador for the club. He also donates to a crap-ton of charities. As a human being, Bublé gets top marks, especially compared to this schlumpy blogger.

That said, Bublé strikes me as the world's most successful karaoke singer. Every time I hear him sing, it sounds like a disinterested Paul Anka.

For example, compare George Michael's "Kissing a Fool". Michael had one of the bigger singing voices of all time (does he still? I'm not sure), and his song has a lot of emotion to it.

Now, compare that to Bubble's "performance"

There's hardly any emotion in his singing, and it sounds very much like he's simply covering the song for a wedding or dinner club.

I know matching up to George Michael is incredibly hard to do, but this is like pork tenderloin vs. the McRib.

I know generic sells well (Twilight, One Direction), but...I just don't get the popularity.

The itch to blog again…

Ever since I closed down Hockey Rants, I’ve had a couple of itches to scratch. I do enjoy writing, and I’ve now written for Magic Deck Vortex a few times.

I still don’t have much of an urge to write about hockey, but I do often have rants in my head on a variety of topics.

I did set up this place, initially, on Tumblr. I didn't realize it is basically a 1-way street with no way to provide feedback. So, I'll go back here to Blogger.

I figure I’ll open up this space to write about whatever crosses my mind. I hope that the 3-4 people that do read this space will find it entertaining enough.

Topics I’d like to cover:

1. Magic: the Gathering
2. Bad Advertising
3. Consumerism
4. Sports: mainly Baseball and Hockey
5. Current Events & Pop Culture
6. Whatever rustles my Jimmies