Yes, I am THAT Guy in Casual Magic

The Mana Pool is one of my favourite Magic: the Gathering podcasts, and one of the few geared towards casual players.

The most recent episode, #377 Aaron’s Fifteen Minutes of Fame, hit home as Aaron talked about being THAT Casual guy:

Aaron comes on to talk about being That Guy. No no, not THAT That Guy. Not one of the bad ones. But the guy that’s been playing forever and has lots of cards and lots of decks and actually has some money to spend on the game. Some casual players frown on That Guy, which gives That Guy some kind of stigma. Aaron wants to address that stigma and help change the opinion of That Guy. That Guy might not be all bad. You might even be able to learn something from That Guy’s experiences! So don’t dump on That Guy!

As you might have guessed, I am also that guy…and my wife, I guess she is THAT girl ^.^

We’re the ones that have been playing for years (2007), have a huge collection, make far too many decks (over 200!), and spend an excessive amount of our disposable income on the game.

We have met a lot of new people playing Magic, yet it’s been eight years since we’ve had the feeling of being the newbies. Most everybody we play with has varying levels of experience, and some even have been playing longer, but my wife and I always tend to be the ones with "all of the good cards".

On this ‘cast, Aaron brought up some good points that I’d like to connect with our personal experience.

STARTING OFF

Magic: the Gathering is a very complicated game, and there have been over 13,000 unique cards printed. When we first met some very experienced casual players, it was an overwhelming experience. I had played back during the REVISED era, and the card pool was fairly tiny compared to today.

Not only did we have to stop and read every card, but with so many (new) rules to learn, and so many strange interactions, our hastily put-together new decks were often destroyed. It was great to swim with the sharks and learn to swim without a floatation device, but it can be daunting.

The players we played with we far from cutthroat, but the nature of the game, combined with their massive card and deck pools, meant that we had a lot of catching up to do.

Thus, it is important to be patient with new and very casual players and do your best to explain what your cards do (let them read them carefully) and how things work. Try not to overwhelm them right off the bat, or they might get discouraged. Information overload is a real possibility.

POWER LEVEL

If you are playing with newer or unfamiliar players, it is best to have a variety of decks to choose from. If you curb-stomp them with your Tier 1 Standard deck, and do it constantly, they won’t even want to play with you again.

This isn’t the military, and we don’t need hard-knock boot camp training. I don’t suggest going ‘easy’, but bring out a mid-level ‘fair’ deck and try to have interactive games.

I always bring a good range of decks to play against new and unfamiliar opponents. If I notice that they have some serious game, then I can bring out the big guns. Otherwise, I have goofier decks that I can play and foster a more social setting.

As for Combo decks, most of our playgroups frown on those these days. I know only to whip them out around other players that are at ease facing them, and only on rare occasions. Best leave the combo decks in the box until you know it’s safe.

** One little caveat that amuses me is just how much more powerful creatures are compared to 10-20 years ago. Even newer players can match up well against old decks, simply by the virtue of how much better today’s creatures are.

DOLLAR SIGNS

Maybe he should change his diet?

One intimidating factor can be the fact that my wife and I tend to have a lot of splashy mythics and rares. Yes, we’re the lambs that usually buy a box of every new set, tend to do a bit of trading, and like to tweak and evolve our decks from time to time.

It’s important to note that money isn’t everything in the game, and newer players should be taught that...

1.    Many of the expensive cards that we might have were acquired when they were cheap. Liliana of the Veil is now over $100, but I got my copy from a booster pack. Simply put, long-time players will have expensive cards, just by the nature of the game as a collectible and popular hobby. 

2.    Not all good cards are expensive. I love to ‘bin’, and search bulk boxes for $1 gems. Some of the best cards are commons and uncommons, and I like to challenge myself to build good decks without spending $ and by using cheap cards. These two cards, for example, are amazing, and can be found very cheap.

 

3.   If you have a large collection, with lots of excess cardboard lying around, donate some of those cards! We have a bulk box that any of our friends can search and take some freebies from, and we’ve also put some bulk rares into a binder. If we won’t use them, and they aren’t very tradable, maybe one of our playgroup can find a home for them. 

HAVE FUN

It goes without saying, but try not to be an over-competitive ass. I know I had a few spurts where I was getting far too angry about losing casual games, and it was making the other players uncomfortable. If you are feeling very competitive and want nothing to do but win, find a different arena.

Remember, nobody is keeping stats, and you want to be able to foster relationships that will last. I know I was close to driving away some people because I was acting like a prick, and appeared to not be having fun, so cut that crap out.

Grand Prix Vegas - Casually Disappointed

Grand Prix Las Vegas 2015 was, by far, the biggest Magic: The Gathering tournament ever held.

In addition to the 7,500+ players that played in the regular weekend event, several thousand also came for the side events and general shenanigans that surrounded the event. #Makemagichistory was all over Twitter and Reddit. 

My wife and I chose to travel to Las Vegas for our yearly vacation, with the Grand Prix a nice excuse to make our way south of the border.

Sadly, our experience with Grand Prix Vegas was memorable for all of the wrong reasons. We were part of that not-so-vocal minority that didn't have the "most epic time ever, dude!"

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GP Las Vegas ran from Thursday, May 28th, to Sunday, June 1st, 2015.

Thursday and Friday were purely for side events, while Saturday and Sunday also contained the big main event.

We intended to attend Thursday and Friday for the side events, as we're not interested in the large main event and had a trip to the Grand Canyon to make.

We arrived Thursday morning, and were astonished at the pure size of the convention hall and how busy it was already. We thought Thursday would be a fairly quiet day, but I think the attendance on that day dwarfed that of most any regular event.

It seems that the event organizers and judges were also overwhelmed by the unexpected surge, as all events were well behind schedule. Those who signed up for on-demand drafts waited over an HOUR to even start their events, and those are supposed to be the fastest-running.

My wife and I had preregistered for a 2HG (Two-headed Giant event) for US$80. With the exchange rate, it was just over $100 Canadian. Owch! :(

As is the theme of the post, this was a disappointing experience for us, for the most part.

To start things off, the whole event started about 45 minutes late. This was 45 minutes before we even got our packs of cards to build our decks! Add on time to build our decks, and it was a good 90+ minutes before we even played our first game.

Rounds are supposed to take 50 minutes, and they usually run a little long. This time? Each round lasted 75-90 minutes, and this was a 5-round event. We seemed to spend more time waiting around than actually playing. Ugh.

We certainly enjoyed the process of building our decks and PLAYING the game, and we got to meet some pretty cool people from all parts of the USA. Our first round opponents even cracked a foil Tarmogoyf (A cool $300 or so), so we didn't feel too bad for beating them.

For the actual tournament, we went 2-1 and then dropped. The proceedings simply took too damn long, and Vegas had other things to explore. We intended to play all 5 rounds, but not if we're playing the Doctor Waiting Room Experience.

Our pool?

Well, a certain friend of mine said about the cost: "You'll probably make up the value in the cards you open!"

Let's see how we did..

For those who don't play the game (much), the card in the lower left corner is the only card worth more than 50 cents. (It's about $13 now)

That's right, we pretty much got one of the most worthless pools we could have possibly opened. No mythics, and one Surrakar Spellblade, a card so bad that I wouldn't taint my drinks by using it as a coaster.

On the other hand, we actually had a good pool for the tournament. Despite the lack of money, my wife and I had pretty good cards and decks that complimented each other. I think we could have ended up 4-1 if we had played the last two rounds.

My wife played the GOOD deck of the two: Gw Ramp/Tokens.

With limited bombs like Ant Queen, Mirror Entity, and Wilt-Leaf Liege, combined with 3 ramp spells, we finished off the top of the curve with 2(!) Pelakka Wurms and 2 Ulamog's Crusher. There was so much beef in this deck that we could open up a Fatburger franchise.

I went on the support role with a durdly black-blue deck with some random artifacts. My role was to kill and/or bounce creatures, and make sure Sarah's army destroyed the opponents.

Yes, 3 Aethersnipes and 3 Nameless Inversions.

My wife and I make a good team, and our play styles certainly paired well with the cards we got. The only match we lost was due to a Primeval Titan (expensive bomb) that we couldn't quite deal with. I would love to try a 2HG event again, as long as it is well-run.

Two other things contributed to us having a less-than-stellar time at Grand Prix Las Vegas

1. Artist Alley was a nightmare!

We were fortunate to get a bunch of autographs from some of the lesser-known artists, but weren't able to get any from the popular artists.

Long lineups are expected, but many jerks decided to bring 40-50 cards for the artist to sign, and the line would barely move. Is it worth it to wait an hour for autographs? Hardly. I wish the artists told these idiots "I'll sign 12, and then you go to the back of the line".

2. We didn't know anybody else!

Many people attending GP Vegas managed to meet up with friends, have parties, and have a real experience out of it. Nobody we know, apart from a local vendor, made the trek to Vegas. Being casual players, most of the people we play with have never even been to a Friday Night Magic, much less a Grand Prix.

Even the podcasters and writers I correspond with said Vegas was too far/expensive to get to.

Thus, it was kind of a lonely feeling being at a large event where we miss out on the social aspect.

--

We were certainly happy to travel to Vegas and be part of this experience, but it was definitely not as fun as we expected it to be. We didn't even bother going back on Friday for drafts, since waiting around for hours didn't seem like a great use of vacation time.

Yes, we're the silent minority that came away from this event the same way we came away from the city of Las Vegas: "That's it? It was expensive and overrated"

MTG: 11 Intriguing Casual Cards from Dragons of Tarkir

Due to some real life events, and the fact that Fate Reforged came out not *that* long ago, I haven't really gotten into Dragons of Tarkir as much as I would normally do for any new set.

One rant before I begin: Where are all the frickin' baby dragons?

WOTC's official answer was that the Dragon Tempest only gives 'birth' to fully-grown dragons, and baby dragons don't exist on Tarkir. Pbbbbbttt!

What a load of junk! Seriously, Dragon decks have been craving lower-drops for years, and this was the perfect set to do it.

What do we get? A bunch of durdly 6-drops :(

*ahem*

Now, after playing in a release tournament, and getting to look through the player's guide (aka Bathroom Reading), I've finally started to get excited about some of the new goodies.

What's inspiring this casual player? In a totally random order...

1. Rakshasa Gravecaller

My allegiance has now shifted to the Silumgar brood, as they reward cunning and resourcefulness. I favour decks that win on grinding resource advantage, as my opponents slowly find the game slipping out of their hands.

Now, the Gravecaller is one of the most powerful cards in the set, especially in a Draft or Sealed environment. How many cards, especially UNCOMMONS, offer 7 power and 10 toughness for the price of one (well, plus another) card? This card could have been rare, and that would have been fair.

This card was a definite MVP for my winning Silumgar deck at the release tournament. I don't often win, so I might as well brag a little ;)

2. Assault Formation

Harkoning back to Doran, the Siege Tower, Assault Formation is a great 'build around me' card that turns your 0/5 walls into brutal attackers. Most high toughness creatures are fairly cheap to cast, as is this card.

Thankfully, I already have a deck pre-made for this beauty. My Arachnophobia deck is full of spiders with big asses and not much power. (Sir Mixalot would approve!) This enchantment will turn any 2/4 into a literal 4/4, and give the whole team a big papa pump.

3. Palace Familiar

Yes, a 1/1 owl for two mana hardly seems exciting, but if you need fodder for your exploitations, this feathery friend will ensure that you don't face card disadvantage.

This dude also makes an amazing chump blocker, since it replaces itself. Don't need to block? Just peck your opponent in the eyes or poop on their head until you need it as a sacrificial fowl. 

4. Deathmist Raptor

It seems the Predator is done with earthlings and decided to visit Tarkir.

Besides being a powerful creature in its' own right (it's already seeing Standard play), the fact that you can get it back over and over again in a deck with Morphs is one reason why this card was turned into a mythic rare.

5. Youthful Scholar

When this card came out, I joked that it was the perfect Magic representation of myself: I'm not dumb, and, while I am smart, I am not a high achiever.

Best to keep expectations low and pleasantly surprise people :)

On it's own, it's almost Mulldrifter-level in terms of power. If you need an Exploit target, this is the very best.

6. Dragon Whisperer

On the other hand, this card is a great Magical representation of my wife: She really is the Dragon Whisperer, and this is one of the few low drops that will actually make it into a Dragon deck.

7. Sarkhan Unbroken

Sarkhan has finally shed the madness that has consumed him, and has found happiness in a plane ruled by dragons.

As for this card, how can you not love a card that poops out dragons? At the very worst, he 'gains' you 5 life and draws you a card.

As for the Limit Break? Well, I have a dream where my wife ultimates Sarkhan Unbroken, only for me to Wrath the board the very next turn.

8. Sidisi, Undead Vizier

We hardly ever get any Demonic Tutor type cards these days, and now we have one that is built into a 4/6 deathtouch monster! It pays to serve Silumgar.

Yeah, I'll gladly turn my dorky 1/1 into the most powerful card in my deck.

Deathtouch creatures tend to be purely defensive in nature, but 4 power? Talk about an offensive powerhouse. Your opponents are going to have to put something beefy in front of her to actually kill her, or will be afraid to block her at all.

9. Silumgar's Command

Of all of the commands, this is the most likely to produce 2-for-1s.

Now, five mana makes it a very expensive spell, especially since the other commands are all cheaper. You don't want to be stuck with 3-4 of these in your hand.

On the other hand, any card that can outright kill annoying Planeswalkers is going to get top marks from me. It's a pain in the arse to have to devote so many creature attacks to kill an opposing planeswalker, after all.

The first three modes will see the most play, for sure, but all of them provide a load of value and tempo.

10. Dragonlord Silumgar

The big daddy himself! Yeah, he's gotten a bit lazy in his old age, but he will still *steal* the show.

If you are desperate for exploit fodder, and/or want to get rid of your opponents most annoying creature, just borrow it and exploit it for profit.

(I feel so much like a Wall Street banker *giggle*)

11. Silumgar Sorcerer

If you had a spell that read "Choose one - Counter target creature spell or put a 2/1 flying wizard into play", you would most certainly put that card into any blue deck.

Silumgar Sorcerer is great in that it offers so much flexibility, and you don't need to decide between a Remove Soul or a flashy flyer for the last spot in your deck.

Granted, this card can't counter more annoying removal spells and planeswalkers, but it's still a deceptively powerful creature that can go into even non-Exploit decks.

12. Sunscorch Regent

Remember this bullish creature?

Taurean Mauler is one of the more annoying cards to face off against in multiplayer, since it just keeps growing...and growing...

Well, Sunscorch Regent is the dragonic version of Mrs. Mauler, destined to make all of your opponents groan in resignation.

Now, the Regent isn't quite as good as the Mauler in two respects: a. The Mauler comes down much earlier, and is will get much larger much earlier, and b. the Mauler has any and all creature types... yes, even a dragon :)

Still, the Regent has a nice bit of evasion, and will also gain you some life for all of the work your opponents are doing.

13. Swift Warkite

Welcome to Valuetown, population: Swift Warkite.

Of all of the uncommon gold dragons in the set, this is, by far, my favourite.

Besides having decent stats, the reanimating clause can bring back a bevy of valuable creatures onto the battlefield for another go.

Don't want to lose the creature you just reanimated? Don't attack! At the end of turn, it will bounce safely back into your welcome bosoms.

I think the Warkite combos very nicely with something like Bone Shredder. Then, it reads as a 4/4 dragon with Terror attached.

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So, while Dragons of Tarkir might not have any cards that make me nerdgasm (Villainous Wealth), or any real big combo enablers, the set will inspire me to make a new deck based around the Exploit mechanic.

What cards are you looking forward to getting?

MTG: 11 Intriguing Casual Cards from Fate Reforged

Fate Reforged is due out tomorrow, and, as always, there are a bunch of cards that are intriguing for this casual player.

This set had to be built differently, as it is bridging two different draft formats. Fate Reforged will be drafted with Khans of Tarkir, and then also exclusively with the next set (Dragons of Tarkir)

To those who don't follow the story closely, Fate Reforged actually takes place 1,000+ years in the past from the last set, and Dragons of Tarkir will take us forward to the 'present', albeit with things changed significantly. We see how the clans were not yet as strong, as they were forced to defend for themselves against nasty dragons. Three of the five mechanics from the previous set also return.

Overall, I don't feel nearly as excited for this set as I did the last one, although that is common with the second set of a three-set block. There are some cards that I definitely want to play with, but nothing that left my jaw dropping like Villainous Wealth :)

So, onto the list.

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11. MANIFEST

Technically, this is not a card, but this is the one thing I really want to build a deck around.

How can you take advantage of manifests? How about one of these babies?


By paying their actual mana cost to flip them over, you avoid the awful 'comes into play' triggers. They are already in play! You can also avoid the blowouts that can happen when your Torpor Orb gets bounced, or you don't ever even find one.

There are even morph creatures that can be abused with the manifest ability.

For example...

Why pay five-mana to flip Hooded Hydra when you can simply pay GG? For creatures that have a higher morph cost than their casting cost, manifest allows you to exploit some tax loopholes.You, too, can feel like Mitt Romney, if only for a fleeting moment.

10. SOULFIRE GRAND MASTER

I'm not sure I have an existing deck to put the Master into, but I'd love to pull off this goofy combo and gain 130+ life.

9. ELITE SCALEGUARD

This doesn't look all that exciting, from first glance, but it is a deceptively powerful scalpel.

I saw my wife play this at the pre-release, and it helped her win some games. I will fit at least one into my current Abzan deck.

Giving your creatures the ability to clear away an annoying blocker is helpful in breaking through board stalls, especially when they thought they were safe behind their big walls. Even if it just pumps itself, a 4/5 for five mana is OK.

8. MONASTERY SIEGE

The cheapest of all of the sieges, this one can allow controls decks a frightening amount of card advantage and filtering. Throw away those extra lands? Dump a fatty to reanimate? Fuel delve? This one has it all. I can see Standard control decks wanting this as a 1 or 2-of.

The second ability is nothing to sneeze at either, as it can make it harder for your opponents to deal with your army. If you build around creatures, this forces your opponent to ether have a board wipe, or spend a lot more time trying to pick off your dudes.

7. CLOUDFORM

Of the Manifest enablers, this is the one I will always want to draw first.

I don't want my Eaters of Days to get Lightning Bolted before I get a chance to flip them, and this provides the SHIELDS UP that is needed to stop the Klingons from ruining my fun!

Oh, the flying is also a nice bonus. If you end up manifesting a land, a 2/2 flyer for three mana is acceptable.

6. SOULFLAYER

Soulflayer is one of those projects that requires a bit of work to complete, but can be worth millions once you finish the renovations and put it on the open market.

Yeah, you can just get a cheap 4/4 for two mana, but the real combo comes with Chromanticore.

 A two-mana 4/4 flyer with all them keywords?

5. HUMBLE DEFECTOR

Humble Defector is a cute, new design space that gives Red decks the potential of card advantage. Combine it with spells or abilities that untap a creature and you can easily draw four or six cards at once! If you have a sacrifice outlet, just eat him up before he makes it to the enemy camp.

For those that love politics, this is the perfect card for you. Pass around the hot potato!

4. CRUX OF FATE

 
Just take a moment to appreciate the awesomeness of this card, and witness the ultimate battle between Nicol Bolas and Ugin. The flavour oozes from this like a grilled cheese sandwich.

Not since Damnation has black had a pure mass removal spell at less than six mana. Mutilate is close, but depends on your mana base to be effective.

In most multi-player games, this will simply be a pure board wipe. If you have a dragon or two on the board, it's quite one-sided.

3. UGIN, THE SPIRIT DRAGON

Ever since the strange 'red' card Ghostfire was printed in 2007, there have been players asking "Who is this Ugin?"

After all of this waiting, and all of the teasing, we finally get the man dragon, itself!

The art is worthy of a creature this legendary, and Control decks of any colour now have another splashy finisher that ought to cement the fates in your favour.

Even if you just use it's Ghostfire ability, you now have a 9-loyalty 'walker that must be answered. Otherwise, just wipe the board of any coloured permanent.

(Is Ugin racist? Hmm....)

2. SUPPLANT FORM

I love to clone creatures. I love to bounce creatures.

One downside of clone effects is that when you clone an opponent's creature, they still have the same damn creature! Discounting enter-the-battlefield abilities, this leave you only at parity with your enemy.

Supplant Form allows you a huge tempo boost by cloning that very creature, but getting rid of their original...if only for a turn. This spell at the opponent's end-of-turn is fine form, indeed.

1. BRUTAL HORDECHIEF

For those that remember Hellrider, we get another creature that turns any little 1/1 dude into am actual threat.

Aggressive decks, or token weenie decks, can sometimes run out of steam and get outclassed easily by bigger creatures. It's a brutal feeling when your opponent stabilizes and you can't force through that last 5-6 points of damage.

Brutal Hordechief is perfect for breaking through the stalemate and dealing those last points of damage to the dome. I have a black-red tokens deck that will love this card as a win condition. The hordechief doesn't even ever have to attack for him to have his effect.

"Why, yes, I'd love to get a 10-point life swing in one attack."

That last ability is also a game-winner, as you can easily force terrible blocks and ensure most of your forces get through, even after pinging them.

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These 11 cards will give me some Scooby snacks to munch on until Dragons of Tarkir. At the very least, I'll have one cool new deck out of the manifest ability.

What cards are you looking forward to?

A Positive Post about Brands and Products

I've often ranted about terrible advertisements, the evils of unchecked capitalism, and overrated products.

For once, I should write something positive. Not everything in this world annoys me.

So, why not write about the brands, products, and stores that I actually like and would recommend?

Yes, I am somewhat loyal to certain big bame brands, even if I do try to support local businesses and smaller labels, rather than large multinationals

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DAIRY QUEEN

I eat a lot less fast food than I did before the turn of the century. When I do want something quick and easy, Dairy Queen is my favourite large chain, by far.

Even if DQ served only Skor Blizzards (for you Americans, your HEATH bar is a close comparison), I would still rank it #1. Skor Blizzards and ice cream cakes are manna from heaven, and the most delicious thing the human tongue has ever had the pleasure of tasting.

I love the Skor ice cream cakes so much we had one at our wedding!

The chicken strip basket is also a big winner, and the burgers, which are actually grilled, are acceptable.

Most big chain's burgers are rather 'meh', but I never get that sinking feeling of shame eating a DQ burger that I do from McRonalds or Burger Tsar.

DQ seems to be able to walk the fine line of being not-too-unhealthy and greasy, yet still serve you a meal in about 2 minutes.


TACO TIME

This is more local to Western Canada and the Pacific Northwest of the US, but it has become my go-to place for something 'Mexican'.

First, realize that Vancouver has very few actual Mexican restaurants, and Taco Bell, thankfully, has no presence here. There are very few choices when you want meat, lettuce, rice, and salsa.

Taco Time is so much better than Taco Bell for the simple fact that Taco Time food does not give you instant, explosive diarrhea. Taco Time food is quite a bit healthier, fresher, and does not contain more grease than edible matter.

Taco Time also has something called Mexi-Fries, which is one of my bigger fast-food cravings. Yes, you can buy Tater-Tots at the grocery store freezer, but they never work out nearly as well.


HONDA

When it comes to automobiles, I have a pretty small list of things I need looked after.

1. Reliability
2. Fuel Efficiency
3. Customer Care

Let's face it, the cars, themselves, are fairly interchangeable between most brands, and I don't need to compensate for a lack of manliness or hair with an Lamborghini or Hummer.

When it comes to my experiences with Honda, they win all three categories. My wife's last Civic lasted 15(!) years, and rarely had to go through major repairs, or a string of constant small ones.

For customer care: A big shout-out to Westwood Honda in Port Moody for their excellent service. The repair shop tells you exactly what needs to be done, doesn't try to upsell you needless stuff, and is honest about when you actually need to do things.

Toyota? Only if you want your vehicle recalled.

American brands? Forget about it. Between planned obsolescence of the parts to their attention to gas guzzlers, there is no reason to ever consider buying one.


ARM & HAMMER

No, I'm not a Communist :)

A&H makes my list for one very simple reason: THEY MAKE STUFF THAT DOESN'T BLOODY STINK!

It seems product manufacturers think people want their cleaning products to reek of artificial flowers. Walking down the laundry deterigant aisle at the grocery store always makes me feel nauseous. Yes, I've ranted about this way too many times.

A&H is one of the few that produces unscented products, and they generally do it right. Some other brands' 'unscented' products will still have a very strong chemical smell or they'll just mask it with some other noxious miasma.

I use A&H for anti-perspirant, toothpaste, laundry soap, and, of course, baking powder.


There, four brands I can get behind and have earned my loyalty (for now....)

What brands are you partial to?

Random Rantings - Brown Eggnog Dynasty

It's been far too long since I wrote something in this space.
Like exercise, it's always hard to get started again when you've had a long layoff.

So, here's some random brain dumpings.

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Do you need to give somebody a Christmas gift that says, "I want you out of my life!"

Well, check out the Chia Duck Dynasty head.

I won't dump on Chia products, but how low can you go? It's bad enough that you can get Duck Dynasty anything, but a frickin Chia head?

Even the most inbred of Hillbilly trailer trash must think this atrocity is beneath them. 

"Yeah, I'll screw my cousins and the cattle, but this? What kinda freak ya think I am?"

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Speaking of things that are affront to the spirit of Christmas, how about Almond "Eggnog".

My wife loves Almond Milk, for some reason, so she bought this pretend crap as a light-calorie alternative to real Christmas Magic.

I am open-minded about most food products, so I did give it a chance. I understand that some lactose-intolerant people are craving the fine taste of 'nog.

Suffice it to say, this is one of the most revolting drinks I have had the displeasure of running through my mouth.

1.  The product doesn't actually taste like Eggnog. There is some hint of nutmeg  buried in there, but it's hard to taste over the 'dirty water' flavour.
2. Eggnog is a creamy drink. Noel Nog is runny, watery, and a bit slimy. I'm not one who cares too much about food textures, but this drink feels 'wrong'.
3. Even my wife think it's gross. If she doesn't like an Almond 'Milk' product, who in the hell does?

Worried about calories? Spike some light eggnog with ice-cubes or milk, add a bit of nutmeg, and sip some real stuff.

Can't have lactose? Well, stop being such a milk racist!

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My pal Eric asks, "Why do teams who wear the color brown tend to play that way?"

Is that true?

Looking at the four major North American sports, very few teams have brown uniforms, to begin with.

Teams want primary, basic colours (red, white, black), or something that pops (blue, orange). Brown is that unhappy medium that is neither strong or bright.

That, and it looks like poop.

NHL

Philadelphia Flyers - This is a bit of a stretch, since the Flyers are technically 'Orange'.

Still, this orange of theirs is very dirty. Growing up, I actually thought the Flyers uniforms were brown.

The Flyers? Yup, they suck.

I guess we'll call it karma since many Philly fans, and the Flyers players, are a bunch of boorish thugs and jerks.



MLB

None, currently.

The San Diego Padres used to have brown uniforms, but later switched to more basic white-and-grey.

The Padres did suck, for the most part, when they had brown uniforms. They haven't been much better with the colour switch, either. The franchise lifetime record is 3398 wins and 3928 losses.

We're 2-for-2

NFL

The obvious choice, since the Cleveland Browns have the colour right in the name.

During the early years of their existence, the Browns were actually a really good team. The team actually has a 451-429-10 record in the NFL.

Still, I will call them a CRAP team and make it a 3-for-3.

Despite sporting a 7-4 record in 2014, the Browns have had a winning record in only three of their past sixteen seasons (since the franchise reboot), and have been one of the worst teams in the NFL for quite some time.

NBA

None that I know of.

I guess the theory holds, although there isn't much of a sample size.