A Positive Post about Brands and Products

I've often ranted about terrible advertisements, the evils of unchecked capitalism, and overrated products.

For once, I should write something positive. Not everything in this world annoys me.

So, why not write about the brands, products, and stores that I actually like and would recommend?

Yes, I am somewhat loyal to certain big bame brands, even if I do try to support local businesses and smaller labels, rather than large multinationals

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DAIRY QUEEN

I eat a lot less fast food than I did before the turn of the century. When I do want something quick and easy, Dairy Queen is my favourite large chain, by far.

Even if DQ served only Skor Blizzards (for you Americans, your HEATH bar is a close comparison), I would still rank it #1. Skor Blizzards and ice cream cakes are manna from heaven, and the most delicious thing the human tongue has ever had the pleasure of tasting.

I love the Skor ice cream cakes so much we had one at our wedding!

The chicken strip basket is also a big winner, and the burgers, which are actually grilled, are acceptable.

Most big chain's burgers are rather 'meh', but I never get that sinking feeling of shame eating a DQ burger that I do from McRonalds or Burger Tsar.

DQ seems to be able to walk the fine line of being not-too-unhealthy and greasy, yet still serve you a meal in about 2 minutes.


TACO TIME

This is more local to Western Canada and the Pacific Northwest of the US, but it has become my go-to place for something 'Mexican'.

First, realize that Vancouver has very few actual Mexican restaurants, and Taco Bell, thankfully, has no presence here. There are very few choices when you want meat, lettuce, rice, and salsa.

Taco Time is so much better than Taco Bell for the simple fact that Taco Time food does not give you instant, explosive diarrhea. Taco Time food is quite a bit healthier, fresher, and does not contain more grease than edible matter.

Taco Time also has something called Mexi-Fries, which is one of my bigger fast-food cravings. Yes, you can buy Tater-Tots at the grocery store freezer, but they never work out nearly as well.


HONDA

When it comes to automobiles, I have a pretty small list of things I need looked after.

1. Reliability
2. Fuel Efficiency
3. Customer Care

Let's face it, the cars, themselves, are fairly interchangeable between most brands, and I don't need to compensate for a lack of manliness or hair with an Lamborghini or Hummer.

When it comes to my experiences with Honda, they win all three categories. My wife's last Civic lasted 15(!) years, and rarely had to go through major repairs, or a string of constant small ones.

For customer care: A big shout-out to Westwood Honda in Port Moody for their excellent service. The repair shop tells you exactly what needs to be done, doesn't try to upsell you needless stuff, and is honest about when you actually need to do things.

Toyota? Only if you want your vehicle recalled.

American brands? Forget about it. Between planned obsolescence of the parts to their attention to gas guzzlers, there is no reason to ever consider buying one.


ARM & HAMMER

No, I'm not a Communist :)

A&H makes my list for one very simple reason: THEY MAKE STUFF THAT DOESN'T BLOODY STINK!

It seems product manufacturers think people want their cleaning products to reek of artificial flowers. Walking down the laundry deterigant aisle at the grocery store always makes me feel nauseous. Yes, I've ranted about this way too many times.

A&H is one of the few that produces unscented products, and they generally do it right. Some other brands' 'unscented' products will still have a very strong chemical smell or they'll just mask it with some other noxious miasma.

I use A&H for anti-perspirant, toothpaste, laundry soap, and, of course, baking powder.


There, four brands I can get behind and have earned my loyalty (for now....)

What brands are you partial to?

AdRants: A Big STEAMING Pile!

Poor AYDS!

For the better part of the 1970s, Ayds was a successful appetite suppressant product. The candy had been around since the 1940s, and was meant to 'aid' your weight loss in a delicious manner.

Then, the AIDS epidemic came along, and Ayds had the unfortunate luck of having pretty much the same name as one of the greatest health crises in our generation. Not long after, the product disappeared correctly.

Thanks, Obama!

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Now, what comes to mind when I say the word STEAMER?


If you are an old Canucks fan, you might say ... Stan Smyl.

If you are over 50, you might think of the carpet cleaning company Stanley Steemer.

As an aside, I can't trust a company that can't spell basic words properly.

If you are 40 and younger, the word STEAMER is synonymous with a BIG STEAMING PILE OF POOP!

Just like this!

Joining the club of unfortunately named products is the Healthy Choice line of STEAMERS!

Yes, pop a STEAMER in your microwave tonight!

Just look at how enthusiastic Sue Mah is about finding "the deep reds, greens, and yellows!"

Whatever floats your boat, dear.

If the first image that your product's name brings to mind is a pile of poop, you may want to consider another naming avenue.

These STEAMERS have been around for only a short while, so it's baffling that the marketing idiots at Healthy Choice didn't have anyone stand up and go, "You know, maybe the choice of product name should not make one think of a fresh post-Taco Bell dump!"

*facepalm*

Doesn't anybody at these large corporations do quick searches on Google or Urbandictionary.com?

*Sigh*

I can just imagine these real-life scenarios breaking out.


"Hi, Suzy, do you want to grab a bite to eat?"

"No, thanks! I had a big Steamer before I left!"

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"Hey, Marge, what's for dinner?"

"I've got a Steamer in the microwave! It's almost ready"

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"Mmm, what's that spicy aroma in the air?"

"I just made a steamer, Bill! Wanna try some?"

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I think I'll pass on the Steamer, thanks.

Thursday Thoughts: More Stupid Ads!

I love to grouse about advertising, as it seems to be a topic of interest to me, for some strange reason.

I'm pretty good about ignoring any ads on websites I visit. As I've been using the internet tubes since the text-only days, I got used to filtering out any nonsense content and just reading what I want to read.

That said, there are some ads that cross the threshold and need to be called out.

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OMG BEWBS!! 

Evony, a crappy online 'freemium' strategy game, is notorious for its overtly sexual ads. How can you get people to play a generic game? MORE BOOBS!!

As you can see, the first ad was pretty generic. You have a guy in armor in an ad for a fantasy game. Standard stuff. On the second and third ones, you start getting into pretty woman.

After that? They stopped having a shred of shame. Just show some ample cleavage, and watch the idiots slither over to a game in which you don't see a single breast.

"You will never see these bombs, my lord"!

Yes, the ad makes it seem like you are playing some naughty adult game where discretion is required. Better close the curtains and turn off your phone!

Evony is the biggest culprit, but not the only one. My Facebook sidebar will often have one or two of these overly sexualized ads. I do like ample bosoms, but it has to be in the right context. If you are simply showing off breasts for a standard game, you don't even deserve the time of day. 

Seriously, I'm surprised I haven't seen full-on hardcore porn with the caption "Make your fantasies come to life!". C'mon, Evony, you might as well go all the way!

Note the grammar error on the last sentence.

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JAPANESE SEIZURE ROBOTS! 

Despite the fact that this isn't 1997, some advertisers still think that blinking pictures are 'in' and work as effective advertising.

 For your safety, I did not link to one of the seizure-inducing pictures, but this particular ad pops up almost every time I play Lexulous on Facebook.

Yes, the ads are designed to catch your attention, but they are so damn annoying that I NEVER want to support any company who feels the need to put flashing lights in my face.

I guess these ads must work on some gullible people, since they are designed to look like an actual computer scan, and newer users might be fooled. Still, whomever designed this particular advertisement should be spanked with a disco ball.

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WHERE IS THAT F*!&KING SOUND COMING FROM?!

Probably the most insidious ads that have popped up in recent months are the auto-sound ads. ESPN.com was the first place I encountered them (or their auto-play videos)

When you visit certain pages, a video ad will automatically load up, and you'll start hearing some obnoxious propaganda.

Unlike a typical picture advertisement, this one is very hard to ignore unless you have the sound off. No matter what, the stupid videos just start playing, and they are often very loud.

It's a bit of a hunt, really, to figure out where the hell this mystery sound is coming from. If you have multiple tabs open, then you need to find out WHICH tab it's coming from, and where on the page the ad is.

Then, you need to figure out how to shut down the ad, pause the ad, or mute the sound. It's especially annoying when it's an article you actually want to read.

Look, advertisers, would you like me to show up at your house and start blaring loud music from outside your window? How about I blast an airhorn while you are trying to sleep?

Facebook (yes, that again) seems to be desperate for ad dollars, and will bring these annoying things to its site in 2014. Facebook has been losing some steam over the past 1-2 years, and this could very well help sink the Titanic. If I start hearing these things every time I visit the site, you can bet I'll be logging on a LOT less.

I get that advertisers need to get your attention, but annoying people is not going to get them to warm up to your product. I have never bought something because some idiot jumped right in my face and started yelling at me.

No, quite the opposite, in fact. If I encounter really annoying advertising, I make a mental note to not support that particular product or company.

Wednesday Wonderings

I haven't blogged much as I haven't really had any inspiration. Unlike my hockey blogging days, I'm never going to force myself to write just to get some content out. It's not like I'm getting paid :)

So, in order to keep some creative writing juices flowing, I might as well muse about some random things.

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I saw this picture floating on my Facebook feed. It's nothing new or spectacular...

What amuses me is that the poor 90% of Americans get the crappy Southern US states, while the rich people get the beautiful northwest states. Talk about insult to injury!

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Over to Marketing... When you bought a car, or considered buying a car, did you look to see how many Industry awards the car won?

Car makers seem to think the following is true...

For all we know, Chevrolet paid this J.D. Power and Associates for the awards. Nobody really knows much about this group, or even cares. I'm sure the car makers wet themselves over the awards, but car buyers care about tangible things, like reliability, fuel economy, and handling.

 For all I know, I'm just ignorant about what they do and they actually serve a useful purpose. That said, I'd still suggest that when car makers flash these awards around, most people don't really care.

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Here is Edmonton Oilers assistant coach Keith Acton telling Canucks coach John Tortorella what everybody else wants to say to him. An amusing .gif that brings me a smile. 

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If Magic: The Gathering started offering shirts with this logo on it, I'd buy one in an instant!

 c/o Starcitygames.com

 

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From Johnny Fontaine, aka Mr. Misspelling, we finish off with a goofy story about Tard, aka "Grumpy Cat" getting a lifetime achievement award for the very act of being a cat.

  

Yup, Mr. Grumpy is just thrilled to have won a bunch of free food and a trophy to knock over.

Kudos to the owners of the cat for taking their odd-looking feeling and making tons of money off of it. Why the hell not?

Nightmare Fuel - Coupon Suzy

A nightly routine for my wife and I is to watch Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy!
while eating dinner. It's a good way to have a little fun and exercise the mind.

We're used to seeing commercials aimed at senior citizens, and plenty of American drug ads (complete with 1,000 side effects worse than what you are trying to have cured).

One commercial, however, continues to haunt me to this day: COUPON SUZY!

Upon your first glance at Ms. Suzy, you get an instant chill down your spine as you look into those dark, crazy eyes. You just know that any relationship with this woman is going to end poorly.

Every time this commercial popped up, I had to turn away and cover my eyes. I could not let the image of this woman ruin my night, or cause me to lose sleep. 

Just watch this commercial, and tell me if you don't think this lady just seems a little ... off.



No woman should ever be that excited about coupons. Her smile just isn't right, yet it's not the typical fake smile you see in commercials. I wonder if she is on some serious drugs, and is on a work-release program from the psyche ward.

Note to marketers: If you want us to use your products, don't make us terrified to use your products. Look at the Burger King 'creepy king' ads, as a good example. 

If you are brave enough to use CouponSuzy.com, I can imagine it'll go something like this.
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Suzy: Jes, I noticed you haven't used my website in two weeks. Is something wrong?

Jes: No, no, I've just been really busy with work and such.

Suzy: What's wrong? Don't you want to save money?

Jes: Of course, but I'm just swamped with work

Suzy: Don't you like my website, Jes? Can't you make time for me?

Jes: OK, OK. Look, I'm logged in and printing a coupon for tomato sauce. Happy now?

Suzy: Aww, thank you! :) I enjoy saving you money! Will you be back tomorrow?

Jes: Yeeeaaaah...I'll be back later...

Suzy: Yay! ^.^ I can't wait to see you again!

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One week later...

Suzy: Jes, I see you haven't logged in since last week.

Jes: Well, I've had other things going on...

Suzy: ARE YOU USING ANOTHER COUPON SITE, JES?

Jes: Mmm.... *meekly* yeeesss...

Suzy: WHY, JES, WHY? I THOUGHT I WAS SAVING YOU MONEY!

Suzy: AM I NOT GOOD ENOUGH FOR YOU, JES? AM I NOT PRETTY LOOKING ENOUGH FOR YOU, JES?

Jes: Well, it's not you, it's me!

Suzy: *sob*

Jes: It's just that I have different online coupon needs. :( We're just not quite compatible.

Suzy: I'LL SAVE YOU ALL THE MONEY YOU WANT, JES! THAT OTHER SITE WILL NEVER BE AS GOOD TO YOU!

Jes: Look, I gotta get going-

Suzy: DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE ME! I'M GOING TO FIND Y-

*hangs up*

Jes: Phew! I hope that is the end of that!

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Three days later, the Burnaby RCMP find me dead in my apartment, covered in ripped up coupons. On the wall, the following words are spelled out in blood:

YOU WILL NEVER CLIP AGAIN!

Ramblings: Five Things I Don't Understand

Just a simple list of five questions lurking around in my brain ...

1.WHY MUST ALL CLEANING AND HYGIENE PRODUCTS SMELL?

My wife and I have a strong aversion to strong smells; perfumes, colognes, spritzes, etc ... If you wear Axe Douchespray, you won't be allowed in my apartment until you are hosed, fumigated, and whipped.

It irks me, to no end, that so many of these products have to be injected with enough smells to wake the dead. Laundry soaps, body washes, sprays, antiperspirants... they all seem to have very strong smells attached to them. It's amazingly hard to find low-scent/no-scent products, even with 100s of products available.

Fabreze is a notable culprit. When it came out, Fabreze was supposed to be an odour neutraliser, and actually did a pretty decent job of lessening the "Bachelor" cloud in my apartment. Fabreze had a scent, but it wasn't strong.

Now? You are just spraying a crap load of bad perfume smell to cover up another smell...ugh...

Am I really in the vast minority for wanting my stuff not to bloody stink of artificial flowers and lemons? You'd think there would be a lot more of us...


2. WHY DO PEOPLE ENJOY STINKY CHEESES?

My wife, and her family, really love stinky cheeses, especially Stilton.

If you've never had Stilton, it tastes and smells like dairy death. The odour can strip varnish off of furniture, and should be eaten in controlled environments.

It's so bitter and veiny that it might as well be named Montgomery Burns.

I enjoy a strong cheddar, but I'd rather not eat something that tastes like it should be stored in a nuclear waste container. The aftertaste lingers for hours, which each taste bud punishing you for the mistake you just made in eating rotting bacteria.

Strangely, my wife just gives me a nasty glare when I offer her my used gym socks to munch on...


3. DO MOTORCYCLES HAVE A DIFFERENT SPEED LIMIT THAN AUTOMOBILES?

Almost every time I see a motorcyclist riding around the Lower Mainland, especially on the highways, they are going about 30-40 km/h over the speed limit. I've never actually seen a motorcyclist pulled over for speeding.

I get that motorcycles can weave in and out of traffic, given their size and mobility, but is there an unwritten law that allows them to ride that far over the speed limit?


4. WHY DO SOME DOG OWNERS CUT OFF THEIR DOG'S TAIL?

This does not look good.

I don't know if it is just a recent trend, but I've been seeing more and more city dogs with their tails cut off (aka 'docking').

Why does it matter?

Well, dogs communicate with their tails, and the lack of a tail can make other dogs feel as if tail-less dog is more aggressive. Imagine if your lips were cut off, as that is pretty much what happens to these dogs.

Apart from some exceptions (real hunting dogs, or medical reasons), a dog should never have its tail cut off. Not only does it handicap them, but it looks STUPID. If this is being done for aesthetic reasons, it's pretty much having the opposite affect of what the owners want.

Yes, a Doberman with a short stubbly tail is pretty normal these days, but a Border Collie without a tail? It looks terrible.

It's bad enough that the male dogs have their nuts cut off...leave their damn tails alone!


5. WHY DO MEN SUPPORT COMPANIES THAT THINK THEY ARE IDIOTS?

A very common advertising trope is the "Stupid Male". The Stupid Male (usually white, as not to offend any others) is as dumb as a rock, can't follow directions, and must be corrected by the "Smart Bitchy Female".

Somehow, it's become safe to insult males as stupid. If you dare have a "Ditsy Woman", you'd have howls of outrage and sexism.

This commercial is a perfect example. Somehow, the Stupid Male cannot pay a credit card or buy milk.



Why would any guy support a company that thinks the whole gender are a bunch of bumbling idiots? I mean, I have a dirty, dark sense of humour, but nothing about this commercial is even slightly amusing.

Buying a puppy instead of milk? Who in the hell laughs at that?

This trope is lazy, tired, and not funny. There are many idiots in the world, but not simply because of their gender. Why would these women marry these men? Derrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp.

AdRants: Not Charmed by Charmin

While most advertising campaigns are forgettable, there are some that are so bad, annoying, or gross that it actively makes me not want to buy their products.

Charmin toilet paper has just such an ad campaign: A family of pooping bears that cares way too much about toilet paper usage. Case in point...

The Charmin ads don't just have these bears using toilet paper, dancing with toilet paper, sleeping on toilet paper, or making love while rolling around in toilet paper. No, the focus of this campaign is the First World Problem that certain toilet paper brands leave bits of paper behind after you wipe. 

Witness Mama Bear inspecting her child's ass for these naughty paper bits, much like Oberbefehlshaber der Kriegsmarine Karl Dönitz inspecting the German U-boats before their launch.  (Why the reference? It's obvious this bear family is German, given their love of poop)

My memory isn't what is once was, but I can't recall my mother ever looking at my anal sphincter to see if my butt crack was free of a paper trail. Yes, this bear family has a special inspection area you have to go through every time you dump a load.

Using cutesy animals in ad campaigns is nothing new, but WHY WOULD BEARS EVER NEED OR USE TOILET PAPER? Would this ad campaign ever fly if real humans were used? Of course not!

Whilst walking down the trails around Tofino, we came across a LOT of bear scat. Not once did we see any used toilet paper bits next to the piles of digested berries and fish.

I'm sorry, but seeing bears with fragments of used toilet paper on their bottoms is disgusting. When I'm eating dinner in front of the TV, I'd rather hear about feminine hygiene products than see this crap (pun intended).

Thus, I make a point not to buy this product, even when on sale. Somebody needs to pay the price for burning these haunting images into my head!